Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Betty Blue, Joan Jett and the Art of Saying, "I Love You"

Cindy Jacobson, Leather Trio Productions.
The other day Billy used the "L" word. Shit, did I chew him out. First it's a totally stupid thing to say. I mean yuppie couples probably use this kind of nonsense on each other all the time. "I love you honey." "I love you darling." Second, it doesn't count unless he says it in French. And none of this whispering, "Je t'aime," either. He's gotta shout it out loud. He's gotta open the car window and scream out "Je l'aime" ("I love her") so the whole world can hear like in the movie Betty Blue.

I have to scold Billy all the time. Like the other day me and Autumn and Cliff were at the Hideout waiting for Billy to show up. And pretty soon Autumn and Cliff are getting all googly eyes at each other and they have to go off someplace and grope. Leaving me at the Hideout by myself surrounded by assorted dweebs and sexist scum, waiting for Billy who never shows up. The next day I chewed Billy out good. Bad Billy bad bad. "I fell asleep," he said. Bad Billy! If this shit keeps up it's gonna be like that Joan Jett song, "Someday," where she says, "listen to me you son of a bitch... I'm gonna kick you outa my life and when you come crawling back to me on your hands and knees on glass..." And only Joan Jett can say the "on glass" part with just the right sinister touch. "I'm gonna spit in your face." Not that I would do that, but it sounds all threatening and punk rock.

So Billy's all, "I'm sorry Cindy. I was tired. I fell asleep." At first he's making like it was no big deal. I'm telling him there was sexist scum everywhere oggling me. And then here it comes. "I love you, little blonde." Now whenever he says "little blonde" he's gone off into the mush zone. And I'm like, "no way, Billy. You gotta say it in French. You gotta open the window and scream it out so the whole world can hear. Or it doesn't count." Trust me girls, this works. Make him say it in French. Make him yell it out. Threaten him with Joan Jett. Practice that sinister "on glass" part real good. Trust me.

Album Network, February 3, 1989